by Amy Casseaux
TAMMY
Most people assume that New Orleans is empty after Mardi Gras, but actually the tourist census only decreases by thirty percent or so. As soon as the drunken and hung-over revelers depart and the Sanitation workers go home from a weary couple of days, the Other Tourists start to arrive. “Other Tourists” is defined as people who are less interested in debauchery and excess, but still in search of a good time and things to see. They know that The Big Easy is every bit as interesting during lent as it was during Mardi Gras, just a little quieter.
Jackson Square in front of the St. Louis Cathedral is a good example. It was in full Saturday swing with lots of tourists, music, grifters, “performance artists” and the general joie de vivre that we’re known for, but it’s not crowded a-hole to a-hole like it had been a week earlier.
The young woman in front of me had a tricky nose - pretty, but not easy to draw. Her boyfriend stood a few paces away looking at the paintings I had arrayed around the park’s wall. Those were the items where the good bucks were made. Doing sketches like the one I was doing kept me busy and covered my expenses for the day.
“All done. Here you go.”
The girls face lit up when she saw the sketch, then she said, “Is that what my nose looks like?”
Fortunately, her boyfriend rescued me, “It sure is. I love that face.”
He passed me a twenty for the sitting, then asked me how much I wanted for the painting of the old home in the Garden District. I quoted him the price that was on the tag. We haggled a bit, coming down from that price. At one point, I realized that he thought I was desperate for money and that he could just offer me anything and I would take it gladly. It’s hard to negotiate while sitting down, so I grabbed my canes and got up off of the director’s chair I used. I felt the locks on my braces slide into place and I crutched my way along the wall under the pretext of showing him a painting more in his price range.
As usual, as soon as we were looking at each other at more or less eye level, his demeanor changed and I got my price. With money in hand, I directed them to a gallery near Pirates Alley where their purchases could be wrapped securely for the trip home. The gallery also showed some of my better material and the guy would be able to see that he had gotten a deal.
As the couple walked away, Toni emerged from Baroness Pontalba’s where she had gone to use the rest room. Franklin was with her.
“Toni!” I called out. “You have customers. I held ‘em for you.”
“Thanks!”
Franklin led her to her table and she greeted the two people who sat there. Franklin went to his spot, perched on his stool, picked up his horn and began to play. Like me, Franklin was disabled, but where I had leather and steel around my legs, his were fashioned from steel and plastic. While I sold paintings and did sketches on the side of the square that faced the cathedral, Toni did tarot readings at the corner, and Franklin sat on her left, alternating between the trumpet and the sax, playing music that could cheer up a dead man or blues that could make Mary Lou Retton weep.
Once we were known as the Cripple Corner, but now we’re known as Paint No Evil, Tell No Evil, and Blow No Evil.
Before Toni could get started on her reading, I gently laid my hand on her shoulder. “Toni, I need some coffee. How about you?”
“Definitely.”
I looked at Franklin, who’d heard, and gave me a nod. The big thermos went into my backpack, it went on my back, and I began to make my way through the crowd. While New Orleans is beautiful, it’s not the most ADA compliant place in the country. At least not in the quarter anyway, so it was slow going to Café Du Monde. Franklin and Toni would keep an eye on my stuff.
Franklin was big guy who could move fast for a double amputee. Just the sight of him coming with murder in his eyes scared off troublemakers. Toni would know if there were any thieves around because she’s psychic. Trust me. I know. I’ve seen her say, “You don’t want to do that” to kids who were reaching out for one of my paintings. They’d look at her, realize she was blind, and try to reach out again. Before their hands would make contact, Toni would say, “Thieves go to hell, y’know” while staring at the little miscreant. By that time, I’d be up and Franklin would be on the way. A second later, the kid would be running at top speed.
It was almost amusing to watch. As amusing as I was to watch, Judging from the stares I was getting. I took my last independent steps six years and two surgeries ago. A tumor had formed on my spine resulting in intermittent paralysis. After the surgery removed the cancer, the paralysis was permanent. The first set of braces only went from my thighs to my feet, and I could move pretty well. Last year, the spot where the spinal tissue had been removed weakened. I now had my leg braces attached to a big plastic back brace that was under my tunic top. That made life more difficult, but so long I could get my body up and moving, I had vowed to remain upright. One day, I knew that I would have to go to a wheelchair full time, but I was fighting it. People look at you differently when you use a chair.
I crossed the street and went into the Café Du Monde, where I found a table, released my top locks, then settled into a chair before releasing the knee locks. Myrtle came for my thermos, not bothering to ask. I was a regular.
= = = = = = = = = =
TONI
I was coming back from the bathroom when I heard Tammy call out to me. Franklin led me back to the table and I greeted the customers. I dislike being led. Ordinarily, I can find my way quite well. I knew the exact distances and course bearings between the bathroom at Baroness Pontalba’s and the spot where I sat up my table every Saturday. On any other day, I can make it by myself, but the Saturday crowds make it impossible. That means I have to be led, as if I were helpless. I hate that.
I set the thought out of my mind and folded up my cane before sitting down. Tammy let me know that she was making a coffee run. I said yes to an au lait, then sat.
“Hi, my name is Toni. Were you looking for a tarot reading?”
“Yes, please.”
I smiled and held out my hand. The man shook it first and I got a mental whiff of patronization. He was humoring the woman he was with. That was fine. When I took the woman’s hand, I held it, placing my left hand over hers. She was anxious, afraid, but not of me. Then I felt it. She was pregnant. The second life force was tiny and quiet, but there.
As I let go, I explained Louisiana law regarding readings, telling them that I was barred from charging a fee, but that they were welcome to leave as large tip as they thought was fair afterwards. Then I showed them the two decks I used and asked them to choose one. One was a bit larger than the other, which was how I kept them separate.
“The tarot of the witches, please.” I was told.
“Good, that’s my favorite deck.“ I felt to my right, picked up a lighter and lit some incense, then I placed a little trinket on the deck I wasn’t using. As I shuffled, I continued, “I’ve been practicing witchcraft most of my life. One of the things that very few people know is that the craft has very strong strictures on how we act. Our highest law is ‘harm none’, and we believe that all we do, good or bad, is returned to us threefold. Cut the cards please.”
The man cut them and I reassembled the deck. I said, “I can feel that you have a question that you want answered. I want you to think of that question over and over while I say a quick prayer. Block everything else out.”
I leaned back and reached out with my consciousness until I felt what I called the connection. It was kind of like a dial up process for me. Once I had what I believed was the Goddess’s attention, I said, “Now is the time for truth to be told... Light my way clearly as the cards unfold... Show me the subconscious and secrets untold... Show me what the past, the present, and the future doth hold... Let me see the card’s meanings be they bright & warm or dark & cold... God and Goddess be with me as the cards unfold.
"So mote it be!"
I had the couple’s attention. They were hooked now. I like to give people value for money, and that means putting on a little bit of a show. “I going to do a ten card layout - it’s called the Celtic Cross. This will tell me about your situation, your past and the most probable future.”
From there I did the layout: One card, another card across the first, four cards around the first two - top, left, bottom, right. From there I added four more vertically down the right side of the first six. These cards had been customized with Braille at the corners so I could read the card and know whether it was upside down or right side up. A reversed card changed the meaning - sometimes dramatically.
I touched the first card at the corner. “This card represents the Present Position - the atmosphere in which the questioner is currently working or living. It shows the area of influence in which the questioner presently exists and in which other currents are working. This card represents the questioner. The card here is The Fool. It indicates new beginnings, a new chapter in life, an element of risk, the unknown, possibly going on a journey, letting go of fear.
“This second card across the first one represents the Immediate Influence - It shows the nature of the influence or the immediate sphere of involvement or obstacles which lie just ahead. The card is The Lovers - establishing bonds, making a connection, struggling with temptation, necessity of looking at implications of choices, facing a choice, desire.
“This next card represents the Goal or Destiny - It shows the ultimate goal or destiny of the questioner. Indicates the best that can be accomplished by the questioner based on the present set of circumstances. This card may also represent the questioner’s aim or ideal within his present frame of reference. The card here is The Empress - it shows the earthy phase of life, marriage, birth of a child, body and instincts, nurturing others.”
I could feel the woman’s excitement mount - and her anxiety. I touched the fourth card. “This card represents the Distant Past Foundation - It shows the broad and basic events which existed in the distant past and upon which the present events are taking place. This card is the three of cups. Cementing a relationship, birth, deeper emotion, being in harmony.
“This next card represents the Recent Past Events - It shows the most recent sphere of influence or events which have just passed or are passing. This card may also represent distant past influences exerting recent influences of an inordinately strong nature. This card is also a three: the three of swords. I see heartbreak, emotional pain, disappointment, unsettling news, loneliness, feeling let down... betrayal, maybe?
“The sixth card represents the Future Influence - It shows the sphere of influence that is coming into being in the near future or in a broad sense. This card is Strength - having stamina and self belief, being patient, tolerance, forgiving imperfection, persuading gently, overcoming through inner strength.
“This nest card represents the Questioner - It shows the questioner in his or her present position or attitude within the circumstances surrounding him. This card attempts to place the questioner in proper perspective. You’ve drawn The Hanged Man.”
I heard a gasp from the woman and her anxiety level doubled. I quickly said, “Now understand this does not mean death. It means surrendering a struggle, suspending action, waiting in darkness, a vulnerable time, letting go... perhaps letting go of fear.
She calmed down a bit and I moved on. “The eighth card represents the Environmental Factors. It shows the questioner’s influence on other people and his or her position in life. It reveals those tendencies and factors which exist with respect to other persons which may have an effect on the questioner. This card is The Moon. I see confusion, fluctuation, feeling fear, awaiting a new start, nothing can be done except waiting and clinging to hope. I see a loss of confidence.
“This next card represents the Inner Emotions - It shows the inner hopes, hidden emotions, and secret desires, the fears and anxieties of the questioner, including those thoughts that will come to the mind of the questioner in the future. This card is the six of coins. Understand that this is a dual card. It means either giving or receiving, caring or being cared for, nurturing and being nurtured. Sometimes it can mean both, but this time I think it means giving.
“This last card represents the Final Results. It shows the culmination and result which will be brought about from all of the influences as revealed by the other cards in this divination, provided that events and influences continue as indicated. This card is The World. It indicates achievement, triumph, reaching a goal, feeling fulfilled, peace of mind, successful conclusion of a matter, dreams coming true.”
I reached out to the woman and she placed her hand in mine. Once again, I covered it with mine and said, “You lost a baby before, didn’t you?”
“Yes. Two of them. One was miscarried and the other was born...” she broke off , uncertain.
I completed the sentence for her. “It was born with a disability, wasn’t it?”
The man said, “It had Down’s Syndrome and a bad heart. It - he lasted four days.”
I nodded and faced the woman again. “You’re pregnant again and you’re afraid.”
“Yes.”
“There was a strain on your marriage, I see. You’ve recovered but now you’re afraid that you don’t have the strength to risk it all again. That was your question.”
I felt her nod. She was crying and couldn’t talk. I stood up and walked over to her char. I placed my hand on her belly and I said, “This one is full of life and has a bright aura already. It - excuse me - she, I think, will be strong and live a full lifetime.”
As I stood, the woman stood with me and we hugged tightly. I said, “Hug your husband. You two have a lot of planning to do.”
The man shook my hand and pressed a couple of bills in it. Then the two left, laughing and crying. I like a good ending. The bills went in to the zippered bank bag I kept in my backpack. Tammy would give me a count later.
No sooner had I sat back down than I heard Tammy approach with her click, scuffle... click, scuffle gait. A couple of minutes later Café au lait was poured for the three of us as Franklin took a break.
Franklin is very dainty for a man of his size. He took a small sip and sighed in pleasure. “You should have seen the couple she just had, Tammy. I think they’re headed straight back to their hotel for some celebration sex.”
“Is there a better kind?”, I asked. “I like giving good news.”
To Tammy, I explained, “It was their third try for a kid. The only thing that scared her more than losing another baby was her fear of the husband leaving. Men can be such bums sometimes.”
“Since I’m gay, I assume that didn’t apply to me directly. I know you think of me as one of the girls.”, Franklin said with a pretend sniff. “The sad truth is, I can’t deny it. I belong the more flawed of the two genders.”
We all laughed at that. That was when I felt it - the first raindrop. “Uh oh! Time to move!”
Franklin and Tammy began to scramble. I heard a sheet of plastic op in the breeze as it went over her paintings, then I heard the instrument cases get locked up while I began to put away the cards, incense, and trinkets.
= = = = = = = = = =
TAMMY
“Dammit!”, I said, as I hurried to get things covered. With only a twenty per cent chance of rain, we had taken a risk by setting up today. Now we were going to pay for it. I got my cell phone out and called for Arnold. In no time at all he came rolling down Rue St. Peter, with his cart and a tarp.
Arnold ran the gallery that sold most of my work. I hired a storeroom from him where Toni and I kept our stuff for weekends. Once it was covered Arnold headed back, leaving us to get home.
The crowd had galvanized into a frenzied motion. That made navigation hard for Toni and harder for me. Ordinarily, she can follow by the sound I make, even though she can’t take my arm. With the rain, the sound was diffuse and so Franklin decided to come with us now, then head for the bus stop later.
I crutched my way along the wet surface with my friends behind me. We got up St. Peter past Royale when the rain really started to come down, so we decided to duck into Poppy’s until it eased up some. There we sat like drowned rats. Franklin was wringing his shirt for what little good it did, Toni pulled a brush from her hair, removed her pony tail holder and began to brush the water from her long, dark hair.
I kept my hair shorter so I could almost shake it dry, which I did. Sitting there, I watched as she brushed, struck again by just how beautiful she is. I don’t know why she doesn’t date more - or date at all for that matter. I think she’s had as long a dry spell as I have. Since Toni can’t see, she didn’t know that her dress was tight against her breasts, but she pulled at the skirt to get it from between her legs.
That left me sitting there with my top plastered against my back brace for all to see. I usually bought my leggings one size large so that they would protect my skin from chafing without clinging to my legs. Now everyone could see the twigs that I once used to walk. If I ever break a leg, there will be no need for an x-ray, just hold a light bulb behind them - that’s how thin they are. I walk on the braces, not on my legs and everyone could see it. I guess I’m slightly jealous of Toni - of her being so beautiful and so feminine. I felt about as feminine as a scarecrow some days.
Twenty nine days out of thirty, my disability goes ignored like a mole or a wart as I go about my day. As irrelevant as my hair color. Some days, I can ignore all the stares and some days I just can’t ignore it. Guess what day it was.
= = = = = = = = =
TONI
I’ve been blind most of my life. It hasn’t stopped me from hiking, swimming, white water rafting with friends, or bicycling (Okay, it was on a tandem bike) cross country. It didn’t keep me from getting a college degree, a Ph.D. in parapsychology, or a teaching position at Loyola University. Oh, yeah... that’s Professor Antonia Palasota to you.
It hasn’t stopped me from traveling across America doing psychic research. It just stops me from walking in the rain because I get completely disoriented. Sounds change, water changes the friction I get from my cane, footing becomes tenuous - and I usually fall. The fact that I was wearing a dress and hose with heels made it worse. Tammy dresses me quite well for speaking appearances and for Saturdays at Jackson Square. The rest of the time, it’s jeans and running shoes with a blouse. She found me a very old world gothic looking (she says) dress for Saturdays. Since being a professor doesn’t pay as well as I would like and since grant money for parapsychological research has all but dried up, extra money comes in handy. I’ve got two books written and in the hands of an agent, but so far, no one wants to publish.
Since Tammy makes her living as an artist - a very good one by all accounts - her income is inconsistent. Twenty thousand for one painting (it happened once) one month and then a couple hundred dollars apiece for a dozen paintings the next month. Saturdays in the square are a necessity for her.
I was picking up on Tammy's mood and it was getting dark. Despite what some people believe, I really can’t read minds, but I sense emotional states and well... presences for lack of a better word. I turned to Franklin and said, “How about something happy?”
I knew the café staff wouldn’t mind. Franklin's music would brighten the mood and people would stay longer instead of getting back out in the rain. That would translate into more drinks, burgers, and fries sold. Waffles, too. Poppy’s made good waffles, which was why I ordered one.
“Tammy?”, I asked, as if I couldn’t feel and hear her turmoil. I was pretty sure I knew the cause.
“Sure, why not?” even if her voice had little volume, it’s tone spoke volumes. Serious downer on the way. Franklin began to play “The old man and his horn”. Not happy, but very transcendental. When he plays that piece it’s as if he goes into a trance and takes everyone with him. Within minutes, I could feel the crowd’s mood lifting - Tammy's included. A little bit anyway.
Soon the waffles came and Franklin took a break. I reached out and touched the warm Belgian waffle to find the axis point, then I used my knife and fork to cut it. It was very buttery - too good for syrup. Besides, I didn’t want to have to get syrup stains out of the dress. Blind people can be messy eaters sometimes regardless of how careful we try to be.
An hour later, and we were still there, but doing well. With the manager’s permission, Franklin was blowing, Tammy had her sketch pad out, and I had my deck out. Our psychic, artistic, and musical services required the purchase of food and beverages from our hosts in addiction to our tips. It was a good deal for all of us.
At one point, Charissa from Rev. Zombies Voodoo shop came in and saw me. I recognozed hre voice when she said, “Hey, Toni! Where y’at?”
In New orleans this means “How are you?”. If someone asks you this, don’t answer, “at the corner of Canal and Bourbon”.
Charissa wanted me to hold something. Sometimes, I get a psychic information from objects. It’s called Psychometry. Charissa had received a shipment of items and this pyramidal rock had come with it, but had not appeared on the manifest.
“There are sigils on the sides that I’ve never seen before.”, she told me. Despite the fact that she works at a souvenir shop for tourists who know nothing of voodoo, but want a shrunken head or a doll to stick pins into, Charissa was no dummy. She had a large store of knowledge of African and Mayan lore.
I probed it with my mind and it began to tingle. She placed it in my hand... and the world went away.
= = = = = = = = = =
TAMMY
It was still raining by darkfall, so we got a cab home. It wasn’t that far, but I’d lost most of my patience. Toni was still acting weird from that obelisk thingy that Charissa had brought. She’d passed out for a second, but then came right back. Charissa had let her keep it for a while until Toni could study it more.
We went down the alley behind our apartment as fast as we could - which wasn’t very fast. The rain didn’t bother Toni. I’ve seen her dance in the rain, saying that each raindrop was a gift from the Goddess she believed in - like little kisses, she claimed. When I get wet, I get really uncomfortable. My clothing bunches up, my back brace chafes, and I’m prone to slipping and falling on my ass. The rain had my clothes clinging to me again, water was running down my face, and the pavement that led to our apartment was slick. I was very distracted. That was why I fell.
“Aaaahhhhh!”, I shrieked as I went down with a thud.
“Tammy?”
I hurt all over. The fall had taken my breath away and I didn’t answer for a moment. Then Toni began probing with her cane until she found me. ”Tammy, Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I croaked. “Help me up.”
With my braces locked, I had no hope of getting up, crawling, or even rolling over. On the plus side, my braces being locked allowed Toni to lever me up. I leaned on her while she used her cane to bring one of my crutches closer, then I used it while she got the other. There were no further mishaps as we went inside, but my day was pretty much ruined.
Toni peeled and took a hot shower. I peeled off my tunic and patted dry as much as I could before I did a cash count. In the four years we’ve shared an apartment, we had gotten into a pretty good routine. I did the financial stuff, correspondences, and converted a lot of printed material into Braille for Toni. In return, she did the lifting and carrying that I couldn’t do. For the last year, she’s had to help me “put myself together” in the morning and help me “take myself apart” at night. Once my braces come off my legs, I’m stuck in the wheelchair. Once my back brace comes off, I’m stuck in bed. There’s also a little matter of catheters and help getting in and out of the bathtub. She helps me with that, too.
Everything else, we do as a team.
I completed Toni’s cash count. For a rainy day, she brought in seven hundred dollars. Short of the grand or so that she averages, but still not bad. I’d made twelve hundred, but that included the check that Arnold had brought me for a sale he’d made at the gallery. With last week’s take, our living expenses were covered for this month and for next month. Our nest egg was growing.
I wasn’t starving, but I hadn’t hit it big yet either. If the gallery in New York manages to sell two big pieces I’d sent them, I’d be set for the year. At the moment, I had my doubts. The market for art is always iffy.
My mood was definitely in the shitter tonight. Being stared at while we sat at Poppy’s had started it. Falling had finished it. If Toni hadn’t been with me. I’d still be lying there helpless. If there was one word in the English language I hated more than any other, that was it: Helpless.
Crippled was fine, Disabled was merely an adjective, Paralyzed was a state of being over which I had no control. It was the thought of being helpless that scared me the most.
For the second time that day, I wanted to cry and I this time I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t fair!
= = = = = = = = =
TONI
With Tammy in her current mood, I was pretty much alone for the night. I tried to get her to talk to me, but she refused. Once I helped her to bed, she asked to be alone. Waves of self-pity emanated from her. I was puzzled, because Tammy is the most can-do person I know. She usually has more confidence than any two people, but tonight it was gone.
All alone, I fired up the computer. With text-to-speech software and the Brailleboard, I’m fairly computer literate. I researched the sigils that Charissa had described. I sent e-mails and pored over files that had been sent to me over the years. Hours passed and the picture in my mind grew. Around midnight, an E-mail came through from a colleague who was currently doing research in Africa, and the last bit of the puzzle slipped into place.
It would work! What a gift it would be for Tammy!
And what a gift for me!
I practically danced around the apartment until I stubbed a toe on the couch. I sat down hard and rubbed it, but my mood stayed pretty high.
= = = = = = = = = = = = =
TAMMY
I woke up in a better mood than I’d been in last night. Toni helped me up and got me through the bathroom chores that I can’t do for myself. I could tell she was excited, but my mood started to slide again.
I rolled into the kitchen - Sundays were usually a day without leg braces for me. Toni started doing the prep work on the eggs and the biscuit dough. I did the rest, and we would clean up afterwards. As we sat at the table and ate, Toni couldn’t keep a smile off of her face. Finally, I asked, “Okay. What’s the surprise?”
“Surprise?” She sounded so innocent but her face couldn’t get straight.
“Give!”, I ordered, wishing I used a softer tone. I had no right to take my bad mood out on her.
“All right, I have a question for you. This is a serious question and I want you to think carefully. What would you give if you could walk one more time for a day. You could do anything: dance, swim, run, skate, have the wildest sex of your life, whatever you wanted for one twenty-four hour period. Let’s say that I could work a spell that would let you walk. What would it be worth?”
I looked at her in disbelief. I’ve seen her work spells, and I’ve even stood in the circle with her while she celebrated the Sabbats - that is, the eight days of the year that were holy to witches. I’ve stood next to her and told her when the full moon was at it’s zenith so she could begin an Esbat. I know she has psychic ability. I know all that.
I also know her powers have limits. In the time we’ve been together, we’ve respected each others abilities and disabilities, and we never make bad jokes about either. This was something new for her.
I said, “Assuming this is purely hypothetical, I’d give up everything I owned and start all over. I’d pauper myself for it. I might hurt someone for it, but I doubt that. I know I wouldn’t kill for it. Does that answer your question?”
“Yes, it does.”
I told her, “I’m really not in the mood for this, pal. Not today. What brought this on? If you could make me walk, you’d have done it before now. If you could make me walk, you could make yourself...”
I stopped myself from finishing the sentence. In my anger, I’d forgotten that the eyes she showed to the world were plastic laid over two silicone orbs in her sockets. They looked real, but weren’t.
“Toni, I’m sorry. I...”
She waved my apologies away. “It’s okay. This is not hypothetical. This is real. I can make you walk - or rather, I can arrange for you to walk - at least for one day.”
“It’s real?”
“It is real. Very real. I can do it and if you want, I can do it today.”
“How?”
“Before I go into how, I have a price, but it’s one that I think you would gladly pay. That’s why I asked what you would give.”
“You’ve never charged anyone for spells. You always say it wrong. Three-fold law and all that.”
“It’s not money. It’s something you’d have to give up for one day, then you’d get it back.”
“What?”
“Your eyes.”
= = = = = = = = = = =
TONI
As blind as I am, I knew that her mouth was hanging open just then. Laughing, I said, ”Close your mouth, hon. You’ll catch flies.”
“Toni, I want an explanation and I want it right now.”
“Okay. Remember the trinket that Charissa handed me. In the brief second that both of our bodies were in contact with it, I could see. I could see Poppy’s - the table in front of Charissa, part of me, then it went away. It was so... I can’t describe it. The world just went away.”
“Why didn’t it affect her?”
“I think it did. I think for a second, she went blind. I think she didn’t say anything because she was confused. It’s also because she’s a little odd around disabled people.”
“Right, like she’s afraid to use certain words.”
“Exactly.”
“So what is it.”
“For lack of a better word, it’s a conduit... for body swapping.”
Total silence. I knew Tammy was still there, but for the first time since I’ve known her, I couldn’t read her mood. Then it came: confusion, doubt, and then a spark of hope. Five minutes went by before she asked, “How does it work?”
“If you mean the science part of it, I don’t know. If you mean the ‘what do we have to do’ part of it, that’s what I spent the whole night figuring out.”
I set the obelisk in front of me, feeling the sigil on one side. “This means ‘transference’. The next one means ‘souls’, the third means ‘bodies’. The relief on the bottom means ‘one day’.”
I reached out for her hand and she placed it in mine. “After I researched the sigils and confirmed what they mean, I tried probing it with my mind. Each probe gave me more awareness of my surroundings, but all it did was enhance the powers I have. It couldn’t give me what I don’t have. I did learn a lot, however and one of things I learned was how to activate it.”
I put my other hand on hers and patted it. “That’s where you come in.”
= = = = = = = = = = =
TAMMY
I sat stunned, trying to take it all in. To walk, to dance, to know love one more time... the thought of it was so tempting. Between the paralysis and the weakness that had grown in my spine, I hadn’t had a lover in six years.
To walk, to dance, to know... wait a minute!
“I’d be blind, wouldn’t I?”, I asked slowly, trying to imagine it.
“Yes. I would be able to see for the first time in my adult life, but I’d be paralyzed from about the navel down. That was one of the things I meant when I said there would be a price.”
I thought about it. I thought about it really hard. I gently pulled away from Toni and wheeled into my bedroom and closed the door. I looked in the mirror over the dresser and saw my reflection. After a deep breath, I lifted up my night gown and looked at my legs. I lifted it more and looked at the heavy thermoplastic brace without which, I’d never be able to sit up or rise from bed. I thought of the weeks after the first surgery. I lay in a body cast unable to move anything - not my legs, not my arms. I remembered the therapy to get my arms back. No therapy for the legs though. No point in it.
I remembered the day I walked into the hospital. Knowing it would be for the last time, the doctor let me walk to the OR and get up on the table myself. The anesthetist got me under before I started bawling. Six years of feeling nothing, six years of poor circulation, watching for sores that might get infected, six years of being handled and lifted and helped...
And then I saw my future.
To leave that behind, even for a single day, sounded good. Then I looked at my eyes. I saw them in the mirror and at the same time, I saw in my mind what Toni looked like as she walked with her cane, as she touched things with her hands and tried to make sense of the tactile input.
I tried to balance the image - walking blind - with the sweetness of walking.
I wheeled back to the dining table. “I’ll do it”
“Okay, what time is it?”
“Two minutes until noon.”, I told her.
Toni said, “Okay. Let’s do this before we chicken out. Take my hands.”
I reached out and took them. She said, ”Forces of Magick around me do spin. If thou art good, I welcome thee in. From noon to noon, our bodies we trade. When noon comes again, the return shall be made. At first touch, the obelisk will fulfill our lack. At second touch tomorrow, we both shall come back. This we ask by the law of three; this is our will - So Mote It Be!”
As she said those last four words, the mantle clock chimed twelve and she thrust our joined hands onto the obelisk.
With a flash of light, it was done.
= = = = = = = = = = = =
TONI
It happened. There was a flash fifty times brighter than the one I gotten yesterday with Charissa and then I opened my eyes. Stunned, I looked across the table and saw a beautiful woman I’d never seen before. With long dark hair and Mediterranean features, she was... me! That was what I looked like! I took in the room, Tammy's paintings, sunlight (Sunlight!), the view out the window, the furniture, the apartment... I could see!
Photographs that hung on the wall: strangers I had never seen, but probably knew.
I tried to stand up and walk over to them. That was when the reality of that particular situation sunk in. I looked down at Tammy's - for now my - legs. As often as I’d helped her with her braces, I’d never imagined that these legs looked like an old piece of driftwood, sere and gnarled and lifeless. The toes were twisted from years of involuntary cramps and orphaned nerve impulses. Without the braces and the shoes attached to them, the ankles were pronated, and the feet turned inward. Beneath the skin I could see the remains of muscle and ligament. Reaching out to touch it, only my fingertips returned information. I could have been touching the table instead. The heavy back brace that contoured to my body and went from my pelvic area to my underarms and shoulders rubbed uncomfortably in places. My breasts sat in plastic cradles that made them look larger. Talk about lifting and separating!
But I could see!
On my eighth birthday, my psychic powers had bloomed and I spent a year with my parents trying to understand it. Medical tests were done - that’s how the blastomas were found. Totally unconnected to my psychic abilities, little twin cancers had formed on my retinas. The doctors had no choice. Even today, the outcome would have been the same. Now I tried to reconcile what I was seeing with memories of what seeing had been like. I couldn’t.
“Make it stop.”
The voice was mine, the body was mine, but Tammy was in there.
“Make It Stop!”
Of course! She had no experience with psychic power and the power hadn’t come with me. She had no shields.
“MAKE IT STOP!!!!”, she screamed, her hands to her ears. I tried to wheel over, but Tammy had set the brakes. I figured them out and moved to Tammy's side. It was my body, but I had to think of it as Tammy's for now.
“Tammy! Listen to me! Breathe! C’mon, breathe in, breathe out. In through the nose, out through the mouth.”
“It hurts! There’s too much! Voices and feelings and... people... and Something else... Make it stop, please.”, She cried.
I said, “Okay, work with me here. Picture a bubble your mind – a great big soap bubble. See the bubble, feel it, smell it. Touch it with your mind. Concentrate.”
She began to breathe as I had told her, and I said, “Now make the bubble wall grow, make it wrap around you. Go inside the bubble. You’ll be safe there.”
I could tell she was concentrating - or at least she was trying. The lack of tear ducts was the only thing that kept her from crying.
“Listen to me! Follow me, okay? Five! You can see the bubble. Four! You can see the opening. Three! You climb inside. Two! You close the opening. One! The sounds and feelings are gone. C’mon, see the bubble. Touch it. You’re inside and the world is outside. You can see the world but it can’t touch you. You can make the bubble thicker and thinner. All you have to do is think about it.”
I’d used this technique over the years with people who needed to block psychic input. It was the first technique used on me years ago. Usually, I could project my thoughts to help calm people in this situation, but now I couldn’t. I tried to reach out with my consciousness, but could neither feel nor hear nothing. It was funny, almost. I’d traded one kind of blindness for another.
Finally, Tammy was past the first psychic bloom. She reached out in front of her and found my face. Gently her fingers probed my features - hers really, but I was wearing them - and my hair. Then her hands lowered to the thick plastic shell. The rapped her fingers on the breast covering as if playing knock, knock. With a ragged breath, she said, “It’s real. It happened. You’re in there. I’m in here.”
“It sure did. We did it.”
“How do I keep the images and voices and feelings at bay?”
“Concentrate on the bubble. When they get too strong, take deep breaths like I showed you and strengthen the bubble. After a while, you’ll do it without thinking about it. Avoid crowds until you’ve had some practice. Start easy. What do you want to do first?”
“Go shopping. I have an outfit to find!”
She stood up, turned to her left, walked right into the couch, and flipped over it onto the floor with a shriek. I really ought to have put on panties this morning.
= = = = = = = = = =
TAMMY
It took about an hour before we were ready and I was acutely aware of every minute. We were burning daylight, as the saying went. I avoided sitting as much as I could because I wanted to stand, to move. The more I thought about things - the more I kept my mind occupied, the less trouble I had with the odd assortment of psychic images I was getting. After years with Toni, I got my orientation and mobility skills down pat pretty fast, my first little Contre temp notwithstanding. Once I got up and stood (Stood!), I walked (I walked!!!) around the couch to the table. I got Toni’s cane and unfolded it. Next I used it to establish my personal space and get my orientation. Then we went into Toni’s room.
Being blind was like having my head in one world and my body in another. My brain didn’t even register the concept of sight. It had been that long since Toni had seen anything.
Getting dressed was unbelievable. A satin bra, silk hose over my legs - my legs! Legs that I could feel and walk on again. A skirt that wasn’t short enough. With no need to show off her body, Toni had bland tastes in fashion. I usually had to glam her up when we went out. The money we’d made yesterday was going to some new threads.
Getting her ready wasn’t easy. Despite the fact that she knew what to expect, the first time was an assault on her dignity. The catheter and the collection bag, I mean. At first she wanted to use the chair and pass on the leg braces, but I convinced her, saying, “We can take ‘em of when we get back from the mall if you want, but when you see the difference between the looks you get in a chair and looks you get standing up, you’ll want to stand. Trust me.”
She chose a loose fitting dress, deciding to forego leggings and a tunic - my usual uniform. Her decision. Once she had some makeup on me, she finally wanted some on her. Usually, she didn’t. I could feel the happiness she got from looking I the mirror.
“Tammy, “, she said, tears in her voice. “We’re both beautiful women. I never knew how I looked or how you looked, but now I do and... we’re beautiful. I’ve never felt beautiful before.”
“Well, don’t ruin it with tears. Let’s go!”
I called a cab for us. Dialing by touch came naturally somehow. Soon, it arrived and we went outside. I walked to one side of the walkway, as I had seen Toni do. The cane and the edge of the sidewalk helped me walk straight. The cab driver, our regular, placed my hand on his arm and led me to the cab, then helped me in. Next, he helped Toni transfer and stowed the wheelchair in the trunk. I could feel that he was aroused by me and turned off by Toni. Not surprising. I knew how those legs looked, and the looks I got from men. Maybe I couldn’t see them now, but I could feel them.
Today, I was a blind woman, but I was one fucking gorgeous blind woman.
= = = = = = = = =
TONI
The excitement of seeing my world for the first time was overwhelming. Color, shape, movement - it was like poetry in motion. The images seen from a moving car were even better. The people, the clothes, the buildings. And the mall!
I was almost ready to faint. Sensations of happiness and joy such as I had never experienced before went through me.
Clothes shopping came first. I could now understand why Tammy thought I had a dull wardrobe - I did! With no visual input, I had no concept of the need for appearance.
Tammy might not have any visual input, but that didn’t keep her from swapping her (my) skirt for a shorter one and a blouse that framed her (my!) décolletage. Sweet Goddess, I had knockers! Well, okay, she had them at the moment.
Wearing high heels and using a cane for navigation do not mix. After Tammy fell twice, she agreed and went for some medium heels. Still, the way those stilettos made her legs look in those tights - wow! I’m very hetero, but even I was turned on.
Since I had lost my vision before puberty, I’d never acquired a self image in terms of sexuality. Now I was acquiring one. Tammy's body might be damaged, and her legs might not be the prettiest, but her face and hair were very attractive and with the clamshell brace, her knockers almost were bigger than mine. I bought a blouse and a broomstick skirt that I had to tuck a little to keep it from getting caught in my wheels. With my legs hidden, I was pretty damn good looking myself. Even the Mary Janes that Tammy had connected to her braces looked good on me.
Why doesn’t Tammy think she’s attractive? She is.
Part of it, I guessed was the fact that she perceived herself as less than she had been for her disability, where I basically had the same self image I’d had as a child. I’d been told that I was pretty, and yes, I’ve had lovers - I’m not a virgin any more - but seeing truly is believing.
An upswept hairdo came next at the beauty parlor. The operator didn’t understand why a blind woman would care, but she did as she was told. Then she well tipped afterwards. Tammy had my body looking like a covergirl model’s..
A funny thing happened while she was getting her hair, feet, and nails done - besides the fact that she was about to come right there in her salon chair from the sensory input. Some blind people - ones who’d had vision before - found being touched and handled erotic. It never did much for me. By the same token, every item had to be touched and felt and Brailled in to memory. She was overloading on it as much as I was over loading on seeing.
Anyway, since I had Tammy's backpack, and she had my purse, I found her sketch pad and took a look through the pages. Tammy had a lot of talent. Her pencil sketches were like photographs almost. There was that much detail.
That was when I saw a man across the way. Sexy looking and he knew it. He was getting decked out, himself. On an impulse, I grabbed a pencil and began to draw. Instinctively, my eyes and my hand began to produce a likeness of him that was almost as good as Tammy's work. I was using her neural pathways for art just as she used mine psychically.
“Do you autograph your work?”, I heard. I looked and there was a man beside me on the bench. Psi-null, I hadn’t sensed his approach. On the other hand, I hadn’t had a headache in hours either. I tabled that thought for the moment.
“Yes, I do, but I charge a lot for it.” I replied. That was Tammy's usual response.
“I know. I’ve seen some of your work. In fact, I own some of it.”
He put his hand out. “Tom Simpson.”
“Tammy Myers, but obviously you already know that.”
“I did indeed. I came to New Orleans looking for you. I didn’t expect to find you here though.”
“Ah, but here I am.”
It turned out that he was more than a collector. He owned a gallery in New York and had come down here to contact Tammy for an opening. Her dream had come true at last. He wanted the two us to go somewhere and talk about it. I decided to take him to Arnold’s in the Quarter and to two other galleries that showed my - I mean Tammy's -work. This was getting confusing. Still, what a surprise for Tammy when she found out.
The other surprise was for me. Even with no psychic input, I knew he was attracted to - well, to the body I was in.
That was when Tammy emerged from the salon, looking like she was ready for a photo session for any hot magazine you’d care to name. She was moving with a lot of grace for a newly blinded person, but I suspect she was using the neural pathways of my experience without realizing it.
I quickly excused myself for a moment and intercepted Tammy. “What are your plans for the day?”
“To find a night club and buy a drink, then wait until someone buys me a second one. I’m going to party, I’m going to dance, and sex is in the plan, too. Tomorrow before we switch back, I’m going to the gym for a run with Randy.”
Randy was our personal trainer. He paced me while I ran the indoor track and told me when to turn. While I relaxed in the Jacuzzi, he’d help Tammy through the machines that she could do. I understood.
“Can you handle being on your own?”, I asked.
“Sure. I know how to fold money; I can read Braille almost as well as you, if not as fast. The shielding techniques you showed me are working, but I’m getting a tension headache from it. Let’s see... I know how to handle stairs and such. I’ve seen you orient your food and drink so you can find everything and I know not order messy foods when I’m out.”
“Well, know this. I’ve got a guy who is interested in me. I intend to go with him. What can I... you know... do?”
She understood what I meant. “You can’t have a man on top of you, but you still have full sensation in your nipples and above. Open the clamshell, but don’t get out of it completely - you need the support. Stay on your back. Beyond that, have a ball.”
“Same to you. Use a condom. I don’t want to get pregnant.”
“Ditto. How do I look?”
“Like a million bucks. Come with us to the exit and call a cab. Once it comes, you’re on your own.”
“Just get me to the exit, and go. I’m a big girl.”
I reached up and brought her down to me and we hugged. Then she followed us outside as I introduced her to Tom without telling her that he wanted to show her work.
Once we were outside, she pulled out her (my) cell phone and called a cab. As Tom wheeled me away, I called out, “Eleven o’clock - no later!”
“I’ll be there.”
As Tom helped me into his car, he asked, “Eleven tomorrow or eleven tonight?”
“Eleven tomorrow for her - and you aren’t getting out of sight until then so don’t worry about eleven tonight.”, I gave him a grin that left no doubts.
“As the Aussies say, no worries.”
= = = = = = =
TAMMY
I dropped off my packages at the apartment, instructing the driver to wait for me. He shyly asked if he might come in and use the bathroom. After receiving a sense of urgency on his part, I said yes and he led me in.
Strange. Up to now, I’d used the cane to find my way. Toni had made conversation as we walked so I could follow her, and gave me a few look-out, and hang-a-left type directions. The beautician at the salon had led me, but the driver was the first man to lead me more than a few steps. Independence is nice, but being on a guy’s arm was good. I relaxed the bubble just enough to take a quick scan - ooh, he was attracted to me!
While he did what he needed to do, I checked the answering machine. There was a message from Toni’s agent - Llewellen publishing was offering a big advance against the sale of her first book and wanted to discuss some changes in the second one. I was happy for her and not just because she’d dedicated the book to me for all the help I’d given her. I was glad for her.
Remy, the driver, came out of the bathroom and led me back to the cab. I named a bar where there was a band and a dance floor. Knowing that I’d never find it alone, I asked Remy to guide me in - at least to the bar. He did and as soon as I paid him and he departed, I could feel a hungry, horny, heated sensation. Someone was watching me. Trying not to grimace, I relaxed the bubble and tried for a read on him. Big mistake, because I got too many reads from too many people. I had to stop and re-form the bubble. How did Toni live like this?
“Headache?”, I heard.
“Yeah. I’ve got it under control, though.“
“Can I get you a Hurricane?”
I smiled “You’re not the bartender, so I assume you’re making an offer. Yes, please, but make It a Sazerac instead..”
I heard him order two drinks and he turned to face me. I discovered that the sound of someone’s voice gave me clues as to whether someone was facing me. “Are you new in town?”
“No, I live here. Native, in fact.”
“I just moved down here from Kansas city. I thought I’d be lonely, but this is a very friendly town.”
“It is, but keep your wallet in your front pocket and your hand over it when you’re in the quarter.”
He laughed. Our drinks arrived and I sensed him paying the bartender. Moving slowly, I reached for the spot where I thought I’d heard the glass as it was set down. I found it and held it out. “To new places and new people. May they both become more familiar.”
“I’ll drink to that.” He touched my glass and I took a sip. The band started a slow dance and before I could say anything, I heard, “I love this song. Mam’selle, voulez vous danser avec moi?”
I laughed at that. “Oh, you are going to fit in just fine here. Oui!”
I stood up and felt/heard/sensed him walk away and then stop and come back. “Coming?”
“Yes, if you’ll lead me.”
We made our way to the floor and we... kind of melded together. He was a good dancer and knew just how to lead. I was so happy, I thought my heart would burst. Six long years.
About three songs later, we went back to the bar. As I sat on the stool, I knocked over my purse. We both reached for it at the same time and both our hands met (confusion?) and he asked, “What’s this for?”
I reached out and felt. Uh oh, it was my cane, which had been folded and put away since I’d been led when I came in. “I use it to find my way when gentlemen aren’t around to guide me.”
His hand and mine were still touching (Confusion; disbelief; realization) when he asked, “You’re blind?
“You didn’t know?”
“I had no idea. Are you... like, legally blind? Can you see anything?”
His hand moved away from mine but I caught a sense (betrayal; disgust) before he broke contact. He said, “The way you’re dressed - you can see some, right?”
I didn’t need Toni’s psychic sense to hear the anger in his voice. He felt that I had tricked him.
“No,”, I said. “I have no vision at all. I just came from the hairdresser, that’s all.”
The bubble was taking a beating. Waves of anger slipped through. He said. “This is a joke, right?”
Geez, what an a-hole! I did something I’d seen Toni do once in a similar situation: I pried my eyelid open and removed the “eye” part of the prosthesis. “Does this look like a joke to you?”
He sputtered and tried to speak, but could only walk away in some kind of disgust that I did not begin to understand.
I heard another voice say, “What an asshole!”
I knew that voice. “Remy?”
“Yeah. I turned my cab over to my relief. I thought I’d come back here and sit with you. Do you mind?”
“Not at all – that is, if you can dance.”
= = = = = = = = = = =
TONI
I was getting hooked on seeing. Psychic input was nothing compared to this, plus I realized that the constant headaches I’d been ignoring all these the years were gone, like a weight lifted from my head.
After I had tried walking with the braces at the gallery, I decided to stick with the chair. I don’t know why Tammy insisted. So people stared at me differently when I was I the chair - they stared! They looked. I was worth looking at. It was like I was drunk with seeing and being seen as Tom and I went around the city
While we were at Arnold’s, I asked Tom to help me out of the leg braces. I swear he got an erection as he handled my legs. Maybe he was one of those disabled admirers. There were blind devotees, why not cripple devotees. Anyway, the braces and the crutches stayed in the store room. I’d square it with Tammy after tomorrow. Tonight it was wheels a-rollin’!
Sweet Goddess, what I’ve been missing!
The weather was nice, so we left Tom’s car parked and I led him around the quarter. We had obligatory hurricanes at Pat O’Briens, then a glance at Preservation Hall. It was familiar to me, and yet new at the same time. There was only one problem - I couldn’t read!
I’m very literate - well read, even - but my knowledge of roman characters and arabic numbers ended at the third grade level. When we sat at Galatoire’s for dinner, I ordered from memory. I decided to use the excuse that I’d misplaced my glasses if the subject came up. Fortunately it didn’t.
After dinner, we strolled (okay, I rolled) along the river, looking at the lights. I knew one thing: there would be no sleep tonight. I wasn’t about to spend one minute of my twenty-four hours with my eyes closed. Tom was in the mood to humor me, and not simply as a client. We were clicking personality-wise. I’d never been so attracted to a man before in my life.
Then he asked to come with him to his hotel room. Without hesitation, I said yes.
= = = = = = = = = = =
TAMMY
“Almost, almost!”
Remy’s arms were wrapped around my back and he held on to my shoulders and pulled himself deeper. My hands touched his hair, his face, his back. There was no way of blocking his emotions now, but mine were mostly the same.
“YES!!!!”
We both collapsed at the same moment and lay there panting. It had been a long dry spell and I’d thought - feared - that I might never know this pleasure again.
I sensed him doze off, completely spent. I reached out with my (Toni’s) senses. All around me there was life. It was in the wind. It was in the trees outside. I found that being psychic wasn’t so bad. It was just annoyingly painful. It was kind of like driving east on I-10 along the coast while the sun was coming up. Beautiful, but painful.
Funny. Toni had never told me that our apartment complex was haunted. I could feel it - disembodied and confused, trying to understand, watching over a loved one, but unable to communicate. I think it was Mr. Murphy watching over Mrs. Murphy in the apartment next door. At 92, she was all but gone herself. Mr. Murphy wouldn’t have to wait all that much longer.
“Hey.” Remy was back.
“Hey, yourself.”
“Do you have any ice cream?”
“I think so.”
“Whipped cream?”
“Yes.”
“Chocolate? Caramel? Bananas?”
I laughed. “Yes to all three. Do you need a sugar rush to recover your strength?”
“Naw, I thought I’d show you how to make a Cajun banana split.”
Teasing, I said, “You forget. I can’t see. Kinda hard to show me.”
Suddenly, I got a mental image: I was supposed to be the bowl!
As he got up and padded naked into the kitchen, I reached out to the bed side table and touched my watch. I heard the voice say, “One... twenty-two...Ay Em.
In eleven hours and thirty eight minutes, I would return to my crippled and deformed (at least in my mind) body. I’d had thirteen hours of fun. Thirteen hours of being beautiful. Thirteen hours of being whole.
While I had desire to be blind for the rest of my life, I knew I would miss this wonderful day once it was over. I knew what Toni’s regular day to day life was like in terms of hardship and frustration. Being two feet away from a water fountain and being thirsty with no idea that relief was so near. Tripping over things, scraping and cutting her legs and arms on objects that stuck out - objects that her cane did not detect. Following a wall and walking into a pay phone mounted at chest or head level. Being dependent upon someone to read to her or to transcribe information to Braille so she could read it.
Art was too big a part of life to give up and that was a visual medium. I needed my eyes. Sure, I could fake being a professor. I could learn tarot. I could travel and investigate hauntings all over, but while I found those things interesting, I lacked Toni’s zest for them. I was an artist, not a teacher, or an investigator, or a writer. I wasn’t a witch. Those things interested me somewhat, but they weren’t my life.
“Heeerrrrre we come.”, Remy called out as he returned so as not to surprise me. Ten minutes later, I did.
= = = = = = = = =
TONI
I’d always heard that the zoo in New Orleans was one of the best, but I’d never been there. Tom and I waited at the gate for it to open. Sunrise had found us at café du monde where I introduced Tom to beignet. With time running out and so much to see, I was anxious to see everything. If he found it strange that a native of New Orleans was so fascinated by the sights of her home town, he didn’t let on.
I thought about the night before. Tom had been a sweet lover, transferring me carefully, undressing me, disassembling me (as Tammy called it), and then exploring the options that were open to us. Though limited, sex had been good. The hard part was lying there, unable to move while Tom dozed. I could turn my head and raise my arms, but that was just about it.
I remembered looking in the mirror across the room. I could see my reflection as I lay there. A fire engine had roared by and for a moment, I been filled with fear at the thought of being in a building on fire and being helpless. The fire engine had passed on by, of course, but the feeling of helplessness stayed until Tom woke up helped me get into the chair. In the chair, I had mobility. In the bed I’d had almost none. I understood a little better why Tammy felt as she did about using braces versus the chair. It was the same way I felt about using the chair versus lying in bed.
What I still don’t understand, though, is why she feels un-feminine. In this body, I am all woman, so why doesn’t she feel the same way?
My reverie was interrupted by the gates opening. No time to waste!
Having Tom as a companion was wonderful. Being touched and loved and adored. If I could have Tom in my life from now on, I’d stay in this body for the rest of my life. I wanted to see! To hell with legs, I wanted to see!
= = = = = = = =
TAMMY
Randy wasn’t by my side as I ran along the inside track - Remy was. It turned out that he liked to run every day to make up for sitting in the cab all those hours. I hadn’t run in so long - it was almost as good as the sex. I knew time was passing by quickly. I wanted to run on these beautiful, well shaped, firmly muscled legs until I dropped.
Even the pool was a treat. I’d once tried a pool with a physical therapist after the first surgery. They’d wrapped me in a flotation vest and the PT stayed at my side the whole time, but I couldn’t wait to get out of the water. Now, I swam laps and kicked for all I was worth with Remy telling me to turn when I got to close to the wall. Next, I lay on the massage table where I almost came again. To have gentle hands on this body was intoxicating.
Every time I pondered the thought of staying in this body, I’d force myself to remember images of Toni on her knees feeling around, trying to find something she’d dropped. It might be two inches from her hand, but until her hand came into contact with it, it might as well be two thousand miles away. For Toni (and for me, currently), the entire world was as small as the bubble of shielding I had formed. Without eyes to see across the room, the other side of the room didn’t exist unless it was a room where I was very familiar with the layout.
Strange, though, being blind didn’t leave me with the helpless feeling that being crippled did at times. As soon as that thought came into my mind, I reminded myself that I’d not spent one moment alone since the transfer. At every point, I’d had someone to lead me, describe things, read signs and menus to me.
“Toni?”
“Yes?”
“I hate to tell you, but it’s time for my shift. Bernie’s on the way with the cab. I have to take him home and then start my day. I have time to take you home though.”
“Thanks, I’d like that.”
“Before he gets here, there’s something I’d like to say. I’ve been watching you for a long time. It’s no coincidence that I answer your calls more than any other driver. It’s because I try to work your area. I try to be there to pick you up in the morning and take you to Loyola, and I try to be there in afternoons for you to go home. I’ve wanted to ask you out several times, but the moment never seemed right. You were always off in your own world, it seemed.
“I enjoyed last night, and not just the sex. You’ve always been beautiful to me, and now I have discovered that you are good to be with. You’re smart, you like to laugh, and you like to live. Being around you yesterday and today has been like... I don’t know, but it felt like a hundred pounds of life in a ten pound sack. I enjoyed being with you. I’d like to be with you again, if I may.”
What to do? I couldn’t make any plans on Toni’s behalf - not if I were giving her body back to her. I said, “Remy, there is no getting around the fact that you are one sweet man.”
I ran my fingers over his face gently and touched his arms. “You’re handsome and strong, and you make me laugh. I’d like to be a part of your life, but I have to explain something. I have to be somewhere at eleven and something is going to happen to me then. I can’t go into details, but when it’s over, I’m going to take a hard look at my life. If all goes well, you’ll hear from me tonight, okay?
“Okay, but if things don’t work out, I’ll still drive you anywhere you need to go. If you like, I’ll never mention today.”
I reached out and brought his face to mine. We kissed. “Expect a call tonight, either way. Anything less wouldn’t be fair.”
= = = = = = =
TONI
Tom had had some appointments that he could not get out of, so he dropped me off by Arnold’s gallery. In addition to getting my (Tammy's) leg braces, I was to arrange for all of Tammy’s work to be crated and prepared for shipping. Tom had a big showing in the works - I know because I’d heard the call. Oh, this was going to be such a wonderful thing for Tammy!
Tom had helped put me back in the braces. then he’d signed some forms for Arnold. Before he left, we stopped at a bench in Jackson Square.
“Tammy Myers, I have to say something to you. It wouldn’t be fair for us to go on any further without telling you this. I am smitten with you. I want to show your work, yes, but more than that, I want you in my life. I want us together.”
I started to say something. The word Yes came to mind but he stopped me before I could speak. “There’s something I have to tell you. I am attracted to women in wheelchairs. Same for the leg braces. I don’t have affairs or flings. In fact, you’re the first woman in a wheelchair that I’ve ever approached and that was for business - at the beginning anyway. When I see a woman in a wheelchair or with braces, I get a sexual rush, but then I force myself to move on before I make a fool of myself.
“I tell you this so you’ll know how my physical attraction to you began. I tell you this so you’ll know that my attraction to you goes far beyond the visual. I am attracted to you - you the person, not just your legs. If this doesn’t disgust you completely, I’d like you to come back to New York with me tomorrow night. The building I live in was recently renovated. It has ramps and elevators. The doors are wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair. My apartment is a large one. I have half the floor to myself. It’s a beautiful place with nice furniture and art on the walls, but it’s kind of an empty place because I have no one to share it with. I’d like you to share it with me. I’d like you to come live with me and see if we can make a life for ourselves together.”
Stunned, I couldn’t speak. Finally, I said, “You now that I have... something to do at eleven. It’s going to affect a lot of things. I’ll call you this afternoon. That’s all I can promise.”
“That’s promise enough.”
= = = = = = = = = =
TAMMY
There was one thing left to do before I went home. Call it a test, call it a discovery, but there was something I needed to experience before I went home and talked to Toni.
I asked Remy to drop me at the corner convenience store on the pretext of needing milk. He offered to wait, but I smiled and sent him on. I could find my way home, I assured him. Once I’d made a token purchase, I exited the store and turned left. I was one block away from the far end of the block where I lived. I had to find my way to the street, turn right, cross the street, go to the end of the block, find the alley and make it to the breezeway. Our apartment was the third from the alley entrance. Piece of cake. Toni did it all the time.
But Toni had been blind all her life, not just one day.
Tap, tap, I made my way to the end of the storefront, found the wooden fence and turned right. Hard stop. A car was parked there. With hand and cane, I walked around and got back to the fence. Once I was reoriented, I continued to the sidewalk.
Made it. Turn right. Cross the driveway to the store, and I’m back on sidewalk. The grass told me so. Three steps and the cane tells me I’m at the curb. Listen. Cars moving across my projected path stop. I hear engines idling. Cars to my left begin to move. I stepped off the curb.
Tap, tap, I crossed the street, stepped up onto the esplanade, and listened to the traffic. The light had changed again, so I had to wait. In my mind’s eye, I tried to visualize what I looked like as I stood on the esplanade. A woman in leggings and a halter with a backpack (an outfit I’d selected because it made me feel sexy). Even if I couldn’t see it, I wanted to show off this wonderful body I had borrowed. A common sight except for the white cane with the red tip. A blind woman, waiting.
The car sounds told me it was time to move. I crossed the street and got up onto the curb. One block to go. Toni did this a couple of times a week. That led me to the thought that Toni probably knew how many steps there were between each corner. Hmm.
No time for that. Toni had to go to new places alone at times. She always found her way. I began walking and probing with my cane. Thirty steps, forty, then...
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof,!
I nearly jumped out of my skin! I knew that Ozzie, the Great Dane that belongs to Mr. Jones, was safely behind his fence, but still - sheeesh! I continued to walk. A few steps further and I heard a set of foot steps that weren’t mine. I stopped, they stopped. I started again and they started again. Fear gripped me. Someone was following me and I had no way of knowing... wait a minute! I did have a way of knowing. I relaxed the bubble and I sensed raw emotion. Lust, desire. It wasn’t Remy either. This was very primal.
The thought of being raped entered my mind, unbidden. I kept walking toward the apartment complex. Cars kept passing us, which was probably why he hadn’t made his move. It seemed to take forever before I found the far end of the block and made my turn. That was when it dawned on me that the closer I got to the apartment, the more danger I was in. There would be fewer cars, fewer witnesses, and fewer people to come to my aid if I screamed.
My heart beat wildly and I began to sweat. Not exercise sweat either - fear sweat. I found the alley and turned into it. Even I knew that it was thirty-five steps to the breezeway. I could sense him still behind me, and then I heard someone walking to a car. The man behind me stopped. I hoped whoever was getting in their car took a few minutes to find their keys. I turned down the breeze way and walked as fast I could, which is not easy with a cane.
Keys. I fumbled, found the right one and used my fingers to find the keyhole and guide the key in. It turned and I was inside.
I locked the knob, set the deadbolt and put the chain on. I relaxed.
“Tammy, what’s wrong?”
I jumped and screamed at the sound of Toni speaking to me. I grabbed my chest and tried to slow my heart down.
A groan, and then click, scuffle, click scuffle. That sound to which I was so accustomed. It was the sound that meant mobility to me. I felt a hand on my arm. It was Toni.
So this was what it was really like to be blind.
= = = = = = = = = = =
TONI
I had taken the bus home. It was one of the ones that had a lift. The driver got me in, pushed me to the designated wheelchair spot and then surprised me by setting a strap that secured the chair to the bulkhead and then a second strap secured me to the chair. Tammy had never mentioned this. The stares of pity were overwhelming, and I didn’t even have psychic ability in this body.
That was when it occurred to me: what did I have in this body? Was I still a witch? Well, yes, because Wicca is a belief system, a way of life. But did my powers stem from my psychic ability or were they, as many claimed, natural to everyone? Spells are merely prayers, but I’d always been able to sense the Divine when I reached out. I tried it now.
Deep breath... in through the nose for three heartbeats, hold for four heartbeats, and release through the mouth for three heartbeats... over and over... relax. Now reach out.
Yes, the Goddess was still there. I smiled and said a quick prayer of thanks. This was wonderful. I’d had a day like no other in my life. I saw things and I had gained perspectives that had eluded me all my life. I knew sexual desire. I knew a form a self love for one’s body that I had never thought existed. I had known sex and I had known what I thought to be love and adoration.
The body I was in was beautiful, but I now realized that my own was beautiful as well. I understood so much, had done so much living that I felt reluctant to go back to that painful cave where I had dwelt all my life. One day without headaches or the need to filter had shown me just how much my psychic ability had cost me. Goddess forgive me, but I wanted to keep this body!
I wanted to go on seeing. I wanted to know what was around me instead of groping blindly from object to object. I wanted to know color instead of merely knowing shape. I wanted to see life and not have it described to me. I could live without psychic ability. I could live without walking. Seeing was better than both of those other things put together.
The bus stopped and the driver came back and unstrapped me, then extended the ramp. I was lowered to ground level, and then I unlocked the wheels and rolled forward. I don’t know whether it was a muscle twitch or whether the driver thought I had cleared the little platform, but he hit the UP button too soon, raising my back wheels and tipping me out of the chair. I reached out to stop my fall, but it was too late. My face hit the sidewalk; the wheelchair landed on top of me and then fell away. As my body flew forward I straightened enough for my locks to set, so my body was rigid.
I was stuck face down, unable to move, completely helpless. It was only a second before the driver and two of the passengers jumped out of the bus and came to my aid. The rolled me over and there I lay with three men looking down on me as I lay flat on the sidewalk.
“Get me up!”, I commanded.
The driver was all apologies as he tried to pick me up, but couldn’t. I had to explain how the locks worked and then the three men got me into the chair again. Hands on me lifting me like I was dead weight. Moving my legs, arranging them on the footrest. Touching my legs, the braces. Whoever tried to cop a feel got a surprise. Instead of my breast, he felt thermoplastic.
Blood ran down my face from the cut on my forehead. The driver insisted on helping me inside. Once there, he wanted to make sure I was all right. He apologized six or seven times and told me that his supervisor would contact me later to get a statement from me for the incident report. If there was anything he could do, please let him know.
I smiled and assured him it was nothing, a harmless mishap. I sent him away and went to the bathroom to clean up my face. Once I’d washed away the blood, I saw that the cut on my forehead was minor. A band-aid covered it up. I understood Tammy’s reaction on Saturday much better now. Lying there helpless had been traumatic.
As I rolled back into the living room, I saw the obelisk and considered throwing it away or hiding it, or simply claiming that I could not find it. I had fallen in love with the visual world. I wanted to keep this body. Yes, I would even give up mobility in order to see. The clock on the mantle struck eleven just as I heard a key in the door. Tammy came in, and locked the door quickly, panting heavily.
“Tammy, what’s wrong?”
She jumped and screamed at the sound of me speaking to her. She grabbed her chest.
I got out of the wheelchair and went to her. Click, scuffle, click scuffle. That sound to which I was so accustomed. It was the sound that I identified as Tammy moving around. I reached out and took her hand as Tammy relaxed and got her breath back.
“How do you deal with it?, she asked. “How do you deal with being blind?”
“For me there was no choice. It’s just they way things are.”
“Like me with my legs.”
“Yes.”
“We need to talk.”
“Yes, we do. A lot has happened.”
= = = = = = =
TAMMY
Click, scuffle, click scuffle. All eyes turned to see the crippled woman as she walked up to the metal detector. A pretty green dress that went to the knee and then black hose, steel, and leather lined legs and feet that went into a pair of shiny Mary Janes. Click, scuffle, click scuffle. The wheelchair was hand inspected. Security was very tight at airports after 9/11. Click, scuffle, click scuffle... Beep! Beep!
“I’m sorry ma’am, but I need you to step over here.”
Click, scuffle, click scuffle. More beeps from the wand as it checked for weapons. Then came hands on my body with whispered apologies. Finally, he said, “Sorry to inconvenience you, ma’am. Have a nice flight.”
There came another beep behind me. They asked Toni to hand over her cane, take a step back, and come through again. She did and there was no beep this time. Tom was very gentlemanly, leading Tammy to where my wheelchair waited. Toni stood while Tom helped me sit. Did I need help? No, but it was nice to have. I’d always be as independent as I could, but there’s a difference between help offered out of pity and help offered out of affection. After a long talk, Tom now understood where the lines were. What I would allow and what I would accept and when.
We rolled and strolled down the concourse to our gate. I had an exposition of my work, and Toni had an appointment with her agent and a publisher. We were going to New York! Remy had driven us, making her promise to return to him. A promise that she gave with pleasure, judging from the look on her face. She had no idea where this relationship would lead, but she was determined to find out.
As we sat in the waiting area, I thought back to yesterday and our revelations that we had made to each other. Our experiences, emotions, desires, and our fears were all dragged out and examined. Tears were shed and we hugged each other. We were both ambivalent about returning. Both options, returning and staying, had costs and rewards. We couldn’t decide. We both wanted what we had lost, but feared trading that loss for another. We feared regret.
Finally, we ran out of time. I took Toni’s hands in mine and said, “Goddess of the moon, in phase and in tune; Elements of Water, of Earth, of Wind, of Fire... Look to our hearts and fulfill our desire. Eyes that see in a chair of steel..... or legs that walk and fingers that feel. Make the decision and we will accept what is to be. We defer to your will. So Mote It Be!”
I forced our hands down on the obelisk as the clock struck noon.
There was a flash.
= = = = = = = =
TONI
Our flight was called and we rose to our feet. Well, two of us did, anyway. Tammy led the way and I walked with my hand on Tom’s arm and used my cane in a passive mode. We were allowed to board first. We went down the ramp and Tom helped me as I stepped onto the plane. I touched the aircraft’s outer hull as I passed through the hatch. Such an odd sensation.
The flight attendants helped Tammy transfer, and her chair was stowed. They tried to take my cane, but I refused, folding it and putting it away in my purse, instead. Since Tammy had the aisle seat, I got the window seat, smiling at the irony. Tom would sit between us.
I reached down and settled the hem of my skirt, making sure that I wasn’t showing too much to the world. The sensation of touching legs that seemed to touch back was almost unsettling. I would have to get used to it. After all, they were mine for the rest of my life, as was my new name. I was Antonia Palasota. It wasn’t the name I’d been born with, but it was who I would always be from now on.
I reached down to my purse and removed a heavy Braille manual that described techniques for living without sight. How to manage with touch and hearing what the eyes no longer told me. I still had a lot to learn. After all, I was blind now... but I had a killer pair of legs!