by Amy Casseaux
She kissed me and stood up, I felt her
step away and then I had no sense of her. She was part of the crowd now. Minutes
passed. I sat there, unable to see the people as they passed by, having no idea
what or who was near me. I fiddled with my cane out of boredom.
Trust issues. That’s what my shrink
said I had: Trust issues. That was why my relationships tended to either fall
apart slowly, unravel in one fell swoop, or simply crash and burn suddenly.
Get my drift? I can’t seem to stay in
a relationship. Okay, I’m being asinine, I know. It’s not your fault, it’s
mine. All you’re doing is simply reading this story. I‘m telling it because
there’s a lesson to be learned, here.
Most shrinks say: blame the mother.
Actually, I think they’re taught to say that in med school. This shrink was
pretty clear that it was my sisters’ faults, both collectively and singly.
Being the youngest, or the “baby” (Great God in heaven, how I hate being
called that - especially by them) wasn’t easy wasn’t easy and being the only
boy in a family full of girls didn’t help. Somehow it was as if changing my
diapers gave them a lifetime of permission to make my life - or at least my
childhood - a living hell. I’ve never been able to forgive them for it, and by
extension, I’ve been taking it out on every woman I’ve dated and or loved
since then.
Okay, that’s the background. That’s
why I’m here in this place. That’s why I’m blind. Having established the what
and the why, now it’s time to explain how.
The who
is me: Dave Saunders, overachieving executive, soon to be the youngest vice
president of SuperCostBusters, and total failure at relationships with women.
Not just women, come to think of it. I don’t have any close friends, and I got
this far in the corporate world by leaving nothing to chance, by constantly
double checking everything and everyone. It’s simply not in my nature to
trust. I’d given up on love, and on the idea of having a family until Melissa
came along. She’s tried so hard to be patient with me.
Melissa is the reason I slowed down my
professional life, why I went to a shrink, why I’m trying so hard to make this
work. I love that woman and I don’t want to lose her. That’s why...
Oh, get to the point, Dave!
The shrink suggested several trust
building exercises, and Melissa, God bless her, has been right there to help.
She knows how hard I tried and how hard I was fighting it all on the inside. The
Trust Walk was her idea.
“How would you like to have a night of
unforgettable sex?”, she asked one evening.
“I’m a guy.”, I replied. “Is an
answer actually necessary? For that matter, was the question even necessary?”
She smiled. “Wait right here. I’ll
be right back. Think dirty thoughts.”
Have mentioned that I love that woman?
We were watching Shakespeare’s Much
ado about nothing, and I was watching Kenneth Branagh, as Lord Benedick,
shouting in exasperation, “He’s in
love with Leonato’s short daughter! He proposes to be wed!
Shall I never see a bachelor of threescore again?!?”
Threescore
... to be sixty and single... alone...
I don’t want that.
“Close your eyes”, I heard Melissa
say” ... and lean your head back.”
I complied and something was placed over
my eyes, one by one, then a bandage secured the whole thing. “What’s
this?”
“Trust me.”
Oh, that word! “Okay.”
Melissa led me to bed after showing me
how to hold her arm and be guided as I walk. My pulse raced, whether from
anticipation or anxiety, I could not say. She led me to the bed and undressed
me, then she placed my hands on her blouse and told me to undress her. Anxiety
be damned, this was quickly becoming fun. She touched me all over, kissed me,
and positioned my body as she wanted it. It was the not knowing what would
happen next that made it so exciting. Every time I hesitated, she’d say, trust
me, and I’d do whatever she asked.
After sex came ice cream, which led to
more sex. She actually spoon fed me ice cream with different toppings and when
some would spill, she’d lick it off. Soon I was spilling on purpose and we had
sticky sex right on the kitchen floor followed by good clean sex - in the
shower.
I remember it all with great clarity,
and I saw none of it. It was the best sex I’d ever had because I hadn’t
tried, nor been able to, control any of it. I’d meekly followed her lead because
I trusted her. It was a revelation.
Our relationship improved, our sex life
improved, and my professional life improved - all because I trusted her, and
then began slowly to trust others. I relaxed at home, I relaxed at work, I made
new friends, ... and I started getting a little kinky. I got to where I liked
being blindfolded in the bedroom, and in other places. We began to do blind
weekends out of town. I bought a white cane on ebay and some other things -
among them were some opaque contact lenses so we didn’t have to bother with
bandages. Melissa would take me to different cities, and I would have no idea
where we were or what was around us. We went through parks and down jogging
trails, through museums where I touched glass and stone works of art until
images formed in my head, to restaurants where I ate foods I had never tried
before.
Months went by and the games continued.
A whole new world opened up for me. We went to pet stores and I held puppies and
kittens, fiercely tying to hold back tears. We went to clothing stores and I
traced garments with my fingers, choosing my purchases based on fabric choices
and shapes. I trusted Melissa to choose colors. About a month ago, we went
camping and I did everything by touch, again trusting her not to let me be hurt.
Using my cane, she had me walk across a large field, alone, guided only by the
sound of her voice. The lesson finally sank in. She loved me. Melissa
would not let me be hurt, nor would she try to hurt me herself. She loved
me.
Earlier today, we were shopping at a
mall and I asked her to find us a bench or some chairs so we could sit. When we
sat down, I said, “Melissa, I love you. By closing off my vision, you’ve
opened my world and taught me how to trust. I want to you in my life and I want
us to have a life together.”
I reached into my pocket and pulled out
the ring I’d secretly purchased earlier that week. Reaching out for her hand,
I selected her ring finger and placed the ring on it. “ Melissa, will you
marry me?”
Stunned silence. My fingers went to her
face and found tears. I heard her cry and I traced her lips and cheeks. It was a
happy smile and happy tears. From all around us, I heard applause and good
wishes. Apparently I’d drawn a crowd. Someone said, “kiss her” and I did.
As we held each other, I could sense the
crowd move on. From a different pocket, I pulled an envelope. “My love, this
is for you to hold. Go ahead and open it.”
Paper rustled and she said, “It’s a
safe deposit box key and a cashiers check for... Dave, where did you get all
this?”
“I closed out my mutual funds, my
savings, and all but a little of my checking. There’s just enough left in
checking to cover outstanding checks and cover our trip this weekend. The key
goes to the box where my stocks and bonds are, along with the deed to my
townhome. As of Wednesday, you now have signing privileges. You already have our
plane tickets home. This is everything I own and I am asking you to hold it for
safe keeping until we get back. I trust you with it.”
“I don’t understand - okay, I
understand this is supposed to show me that you trust me and that you’ve dealt
with your issues, but why here? Why now?”
“Because we’re in a different city
and I don’t know where we are and I have not a penny in my pockets. My wallet
is back at the hotel and I don’t know which one we’re staying at. I want you
to put that envelope in your purse and go into some store and buy something, or
go to the food court and get a drink or anything you want. I want to you let me
sit here while you’re gone.”
“Dave, this isn’t necessary.”
“Yes, it is. It is for me.”, I
laughed said, “You’ll just have to trust
me on this.”
“Okay, I’ll be back in...”
“Don’t tell me. I know you’ll be
back. That’s enough.”
She kissed me and stood up, I felt her
step away and then I had no sense of her. She was part of the crowd now. Minutes
passed. I sat there, unable to see the people as they passed by, having no idea
what or who was near me. I fiddled with my cane out of boredom.
She’ll be back. I trust her.
written by AmyC